something's got a hold on me

Late but new, Neenah 4.0 is emerging.

Have you ever felt a skin shedding? I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye.
In my dreams, I have become prominent. The usual spirit-moods, colors & ancestors have taken a backseat to my internal clamoring. The light is bright & I am blind & confused.

Everything seems alien, again, like before when I was pregnant with something. I've never been with child but I've heard how things smell stronger, strange; sight may shift; and you may become so beautiful. How beautiful will I be?

The sentiment is the same. This body doesn't feel like mine. Today, I glanced in the mirror as I washed my hands and the color of my eyes startled me.

I can't be faithful to a thought or emotion...

: I did say I wanted a change, that I needed to get in better shape, grow/cut my hair, buy some new clothes, etc. Be careful what you wish for. Nommo is real.
But how often do we say these things without action?
So, I suppose I should be grateful that I'm being "compelled" ("pushed" is more like it). God knows, I need it.

duality: not just a pisces thang

Discipline vs. In-do-time (aka Procrastination)

The Heavyweight Championship

Very soon, I will have 1.5 jobs, be a professional socialite, a student, a teacher & a dream ridden writer. My hair is getting longer & needs nurturing. My metabolism is slowing & requires I anti up my exercise & diet regime. I may even allow myself to be fool hearted enough to love again.

Sounds kinda busy. I don't like busy. I like chill. Daydream, paint your nails, rocking chair on the porch, chill. And this new-new is gonna make me have to change, like M-O kinda change. So I ask God, "Haven't I grown enough, we're not even 6 months into the year yet!?"
*Sigh*
I guess I've skated by long enough. But how long does it have to feel like hard work until it metamorphoses into a routine? ..."Routine"!?! I detest routines!
*Throw up my hands*
I don't get it! How am I supposed to negotiate these extremes?

in chanting

exercise exercise exercise
everyday the same thing to get something different, sounds kinda stupid to me. so instead of having a roommate i was home, high and half-naked on the couch
exercise exercise exercise
at work today, the same place i went yesterday, i worked almost entirely on lesson plans to teach poetry. so, my profession is sort of self-indulgent, (cause one must first admit to being one), as i am encouraged to fall in love with the performance of self, as writing is
exercise exercise exercise
save your life & your cuteness with one stone!
be all that you can be
sometimes i miss TV
exercise exercise exercise
"enough". what is that really? i heard anything could be addictive. and if living is an inherently habitual thing, doesn't that make the meaning of life "extremity"?
exercise exercise exercise
patience is such a fucking virtue, i fucking hate it. especially when it imposes itself upon me. restaurant lines, projects, matters of the heart. i just wanna BE there already but...... *shrug*
exercise exercise exercise

zenish:life:3 parts

sing the last of a Staple Singer's song.

then, open your door, go ta werk, you know, blah blah blah

at the end of the day
you riding the #21 home
like the rest-brown, broke & tired
hard
worked
you thinking, "yeah, imma cook that chicken and probably just have some rice.."
{ doze off}
wake up in May on May
street smelling as it always do
of eggs & salsa, what i'm trying to say is
it's an ordinary day

then you humming,
hooowww.did you think about me at all.or happened to hear my call. cause i didn't get the chance to tell you/that i would want to see you again. oohh. hoowwww. iiiiii. mmmiissss. yyouuu

you love singing to yourself
and after all, it's a ordinary day
so you round the usual corner
thinking of chicken wings, jasmine rice, sex, lips, oh-shit-i-gotta-remember-to-wash-
and

BAM!




I am constantly surprised by the parody of life. Things are so dramatic these days. Sudden. Immediate. Even, urgent. As if there is anywhere really to go. Save here. Heaven in the bathroom bathtub. Hell, the hall closet. Every moment seems to need to be won. We beings are
desirous affairs of nature. Unreconciled with the truth of stillness.



lately, i miss, dish, eat, piss, diss, kiss, kiss, kisssssssss, piss, come, go, love, shop
I bought a pair of lovely Betsey Johnson's but I'm returning the rest.
I been praying and regaining some lost stuff... sniff*
But I haven't really been crying, as much as I been laughing
things aren't so bad,
things'll be better