When I love a man, I really want to hate him; I try not to make it a secret. I love so hard, hoping someday I'll become allergic. Oh, how that longing makes me want to maim and murder
"My baby never treats me sweet & gentle/the way he should
I got it bad/and that ain't good.."
then I'd turn around with tears in my eyes, bandaids & perioxide in hand, ready to heal. Me & him, the zodiac warned us to keep it light. I'm a Pisces, I love foolishly and right now I'm ignoring some rather obvious signs. Photographers are notorious whores. His eyes are large and he's non-empathetic: "I was on my way upstairs to get my laptop before heading to her house. God is the only reason I'm not fucking her brains out right now.."
So, what the hell am I doing? What.the.hell.am.I.doing? I'm staring at half-packed boxes, imagining the worst that could happen inside of a year's lease. I'm talking to my heart, "You'll learn without breaking, dammit," I tell her. And I know I won't break because I chose him. Because I'm prepared for betrayal and instead of cursing & screaming, I'll say, "I knew it. You owe me $100 for the birth control. What do you want for dinner?"
Sommer asked me if I thought he was "the one". I told her the concept was fantastical, a folklore. I've fallen in love twice before, this is not one of those times. My head is on straight; I can see the detour ahead. But, what the hell I'm doing, pssh, beats the hell outta me. I know God is teaching us something. I think I may even have a pretty good grasp of what he's supposed to learn. Me, I never see it 'til I'm in the thick of it. It ain't thick yet. But you know when you walk into a dark forest, to watch your step. Tread lightly and leave only crumbs behind.
We're both selfish. I hate sharing, am greedy for even the crumbs. If I could take back the Nina I gave him until he gave me some assurance he'd never hurt me...but he's already heard my song. I promised him I'd be here, hear him, hold him, love him. And I was made for it. It's my damned nature, it ain't peanuts.
